I Shall Overcome My Fears

I believe that people are scared. I say this because of actions that I’ve witnessed in both other people and in myself.

I recently had the good fortune of displaying my character to the federal government for the purpose of a security clearance.

After all of the background interviews, investigations and subsequent administrative hearing, it was revealed to me that the government of the United States of America did not trust me.

Why, I pondered. I thought that I had proven my loyalty when I was a member of the United States Submarine Force and my further loyalty to the country’s production needs since leaving the military. During the course of the investigation, two issues were revealed: my consumption of alcohol, and my need to be a woman.

Daring not to create a legal haze surrounding the blooming transgendered rights movement, the hearing officer stayed the course by declaring that although I did not meet the criteria for alcohol dependence or alcohol abuse as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Psychological Disorders, Fourth Edition Text Revision (DSM-IVTR), I must still maintain sobriety and meet the criteria for rehabilitation as annotated in this same manual.

The hearing officer’s decision was weak and lacked merit, but unfortunately, it was legally sound from an administrative law perspective.

On the surface, he was conservative and erred on the side of national security. However, in the depths of those still waters, he was a scared boy, terrified at the thought of someone destroying the legal structure that has proven to be his life’s blood.

So why not raise the real issue? Why not talk about cross-dressing? This need for secrecy probably stems from the same secrecy that I’ve felt during my entire existence. Although statistically cross-dressing is quite normal, in social spheres, it’s evidently abnormal, because after all, we don’t talk about it. And I, unfortunately, am part of the problem.

My own fears of societal rejection dictated my own personal needs and desires, thus resulting in a life led down a path of secrecy and surface compliance. I lacked the heart to stand up for what I knew to be right and what I knew to be wrong. Rather than publicly disdain the rude and obnoxious comments aimed at those that were not typical white males, I participated, and for that I am ashamed. I let my fears of society interfere with my own direction.

I believe that under the normal societal constraints associated with social normalities, fear dictates our behavior. This fear is hyper sensitized, resulting in behavioral misgivings and dissuades us from reaching our true potential and thus our true purpose in life.

This realization has created a need in me to pursue my own personal truth. I shall overcome my fears and in my efforts, I shall encourage others to follow the same path, one based on truth. This I believe.